I'm Not as Bitchy as My Face Looks

Being 30 and single is weird. It's pretty much exactly like being 29 and single, but I am bitchier about it because I can use the excuse that I'm old. I spent my 30th birthday in Europe and it was the best experience of my life, but then I was forced to come home and realize that being alone isn't as much fun as it used to be. I go out with friends and they ask about my love life because usually it's hilarious. The other day I was told that I should "get serious" about dating, whatever the fuck that means, and find someone to complete me. Instead I chose to write about what it's like to date me because I find that subject way funnier and easier to write about. I mean how can I "get serious" about dating when I don't even know what that means?

I am not as bitchy as my face looks. 
This is true. I really am a nice person. I am a kindergarten teacher so I can't be that bad, right? I am a lover and a fighter wrapped into one. I love the things I'm passionate about therefore I will fight for them.  This might shock you but I enjoy puppies, cold weather, and cuddling. Hell, if you let me cuddle a dog in the winter, my heart might explode! I just have a no nonsense personality and a really bitchy face so it's confusing to a lot of people. I really am not that difficult of a person to date though.

Attention! Give me all the attention!
Everyone loves attention, but I need a lot of it because it makes me feel incredibly shallow and good about myself. So a text telling me that I am beautiful like 14 times a day really helps. If you don't contact me daily though you will be put on the back burner because I have a job, a dog, and I'm going to school so I am busy as fuck.

I have my own things, so I don't need yours.
This doesn't mean that you get a free pass and don't have to do anything in the relationship, but I will never be dependent upon my partner to pay my bills. LUCKY YOU! You do still need to send me flowers, buy me records and take me out for beers because if you don't then I will find someone that will. I will also take you out for beers, buy you records and send you flowers if you want me to but your co-workers might make fun of you.

What I don't know won't hurt me, right?
WRONG! I know people and I will find out everything. Lying or sugar coating shit really gets on my nerves. You really don't have the option to lie or withhold any information from me. I work with kids all day long. I can sense a lie before it even leaves your mouth. The best part is that I probably won't call you out on it right away, but just know that I know everything. I will always trust a person until they give me a reason not to trust them anymore, but once that happens you're in trouble.

Really, I love being in love. As tough as I am and as much shit that I talk, I do really want to find someone to have fun with. I want adventures and stories of traveling around the world. I want to sit in my backyard and listen to records while drinking PBR, preferably in the fall so I don't sweat my makeup off. I want to smile everyday because I know that someone feels as lucky to have me as I feel about having them. Gag me with a spoon, but until then I will continue to be that girl that goes to the bar alone and has dudes send her drinks after telling the waitress that she looks too scary to talk to. I will also continue to write my blog and hope that people don't think I'm a total baby for posting this. I might even make fun of myself for posting this shit. Whatever. Go fuck yourself.

Hugs & Shit
Victoria

Your Face is Annoying

This is a real question. Can someone's face be a pet peeve? I'm like 90% sure it can be. When I see certain faces I instantly get mad and then I am in a bad mood. I don't even have to physically see the person. Their awesome new profile picture can just pop up on Facebook and I hate life. Now, I know there is usually a deeper disdain beyond just their face, but I like to think that I'm such a big bitch that I hate them solely based on their face.

Speaking of pet peeves let me list some for you:

You're vs. Your: When I see people posting this grammatical travesty on every social media site I get angry. Not just your run of the mill "Oh, that's annoying" angry, more like "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! YOU ARE AN ADULT AND YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD. IT'S NOT A HARD CONCEPT YOU'RE = YOU ARE AND YOUR = POSSESSIVE." Then I usually unfriend the person because harboring that much anger is not healthy.

Slow People at Costco: This is something that makes me so incredibly annoyed. I live in an area full of old people and they are all at Costco all the time. It doesn't matter if it's 9:00 on a Tuesday morning or 8:00pm on Friday night. They are there... walking slowly... in the middle of everything. I want to run them over or just push them out of the way, but I don't. Mostly because I don't want them to take away my Costco card. I enjoy the really large container of pickles for $5.00.  F-off old people, let's create a schedule of when you can and can't go to Costco. I'll even call you and let you know that I am on my way, but consider this a warning that I might break your hip if you get in my way.

Nose Rings: Just kidding, this doesn't annoy me because I have one. What does annoy me is when people are like "OMG, you have a nose ring AND you're a teacher?" Yeah, I also have tattoos and have almost finished my Master's Degree, weird right?  Having a nose ring, red hair and tattoos doesn't change who I am as an educator, it just makes your husband think that I am hotter than you with your boring brown hair, crappy eyebrows and Amish looking wardrobe. Instead of worrying about my nose ring maybe you should just look better.

Well, that's enough ranting for today. I hope you had a decent weekend and are ready to deal with society again tomorrow. Stupid people are everywhere so you better drink lots of coffee and take a couple Xanax before you get to work tomorrow.

Hugs & Shit,
Victoria

Food & Shit

Well, I am trying to get organized and healthy and guess what? It's fucking HARD! I have learned that I much prefer to go out and drink beer and eat wings instead of eating grilled chicken and vegetables. DUH, who wouldn't? I was doing really well and then the dogs had to ruin my life so I basically ate my emotions all through the month of June and then just decided to eat and drink my way through Europe. I fell off the fucking wagon and now I need to figure this shit out cause my pants aren't going to fit soon and I'll have no friends. I started posting my food prep on Facebook and now people are asking me tons of questions about it so I'm going to break it down for you. Keep in mind that I'm not a nutritionist or a trainer so I can't tell you what is going to work for your body and honestly I don't give a shit what works for you. Do some research and figure it out on your own.

PLAN AHEAD!
Fail to plan, plan to fail or some shit like that. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! I do it the old school way. I pull out my local grocery ads on Wednesday and circle all the shit that I want to buy that is on sale. Then, since I'm a broke ass teacher, I see who has the good deals and I make lists. I FUCKING LOVE LISTS! Then for the next couple days I figure out what I'm actually going to do with all the food I buy. Find some recipes and figure out all the shit you need and add them to your list.

GO BUY ALL THE NOMS
I am lucky enough to have four grocery stores in a mile radius of my house so I go to all of them. I spend about as much time at all four places as I used to at one store. You know why? LISTS! I'm telling you, they kick ass. I try and hit them all in less than an hour and just power shop and run over the elderly with my cart while haling Satan and chugging whiskey. Just kidding, I don't do that, but it sounds fun. I go on Sunday when all the believers are in church. The picture above shows what I bought today. I spent $104 and saved $74. Here's a tip, when meat is on sale stock the fuck up on that shit!

GET YOUR ASS HOME AND GET TO WORK
You need to have lots of containers. Can I tell you how much I love containers? Mason jars, Tupperware, shit from Dollar Tree... they make me happy. First, I open a beer and normally start by cutting up my fruits and veggies. I make my breakfast smoothie freezer packs and my mason jar salads first because they are quick and easy. Calm the fuck down, I will include some recipes at the bottom. Then I figure out my protein and get that shit cooking. I don't have a real grill because I'm terrified of burning down my dry ass pine trees in the backyard, so I use a grill pan and it works fine. I am a cheater and use the frozen veggie steamer packs for my lunch veggies. It's easier than cutting up a bunch of shit and I don't have a steamer. I usually heat up 3 packages of veggies and that gives me a little over a cup of cooked veggies for my lunches. I also cut up extra fruit and veggies to have on hand for snacks for those "I'M HANGRY" moments. 

PACK IT & DRINK ANOTHER BEER
Shit, you're already almost done. Pack up that shit in your handy dandy containers and put that shit in the fridge. Then look at the giant disaster that is your kitchen and drink another beer. Then go look in your fridge again and smile because you just killed food prep and you might be a little drunk.

Here's what I make...

- Breakfast: Frozen Smoothie Packs (I add protein powder when I blend that shit up so I can get buff) If you don't want to freeze your smoothies here's a link to like a million different kinds.
- Morning Snack Ideas: mixed berries, greek yogurt, string cheese, hard boiled egg, protein bar, whatever you want to put in your mouth as long as it isn't chips, soda, tacos, pizza, or anything else that makes you happy.
- Lunch: 4 oz lean protein, 1+ cup cooked veggies, 1/2 cup fruit, mason jar salad with a shit ton of veggies and a complex carb if you want (rice, potatoes, beans, bread)
- Afternoon Snack Idea: veggies, hummus, hard boiled egg, grilled chicken, almonds, berries
- Pre-Gym: Pure Protein Shake (I get them from Costco and they have 30g of protein and are low on calories)
- Post-Gym: Eat fucking dinner... I haven't really mastered the art of being that organized for dinner yet so I'll get back to you when I figure it out.

OH YEAH, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING: DRINKING A SHIT TON OF WATER!

If you're on the fence about being OCD about your food then stop being a bitch and give it a try! You'll probably be crabby for a couple days but soon you'll feel better and then you can make all your friends feel guilty for not being as awesome and organized as you! If you try it and feel like it helped you then comment and let me know. If you try it and hate it then I don't really give a shit, you didn't try hard enough. 

Hugs & Shit, 

Victoria

30 is the New 20!

Well, I am turning fucking 30 in less than a month and if one more person tells me that 30 isn't old I'm going to slam their face into the wall. People that say "30 is the new 20" are truly assholes. I know 30 isn't old, but let me wallow a little bit. I never imaged that at 30 I would be single, own two houses, have a smarty pants dog that listens to me, have a paid off FJ Cruiser, get to travel the world, go out whenever I want, have money in the bank that I can spend on myself... sigh.

In order to avoid the onslaught of "Dirty 30" party ideas I am traveling to Paris to spend my 30th birthday at the Eiffel Tower celebrating Bastille Day with a bunch of Parisian assholes. Nothing like spending it with your people No, I'm not French but I am an asshole so it should work out well for everyone. I can't wait to take a million pictures of shit you can google and force it down your throat on social media. I bet you're excited too. Honestly though, turning 30 is kind of terrifying and I've been reading a lot of "Things you realize when you're 30 that you didn't know when you were 21" bullshit articles because they always make me mad and I never agree with 1/3 of the things they list so obviously I'm creating my own list.

1. Family - I always knew family was important. I mean my mom and dad have been married for 30 years and are pretty fucking rad. My parents will literally do ANYTHING to ensure that my sister and I are taken care of. I'm sure that's because both of us are still single and can't force our spouses to do shit for us. When my dog situation happened my mom offered to come sleep at my house with me just so I didn't have to cry in bed alone. That's what mom's should do, even if their kid is 30. My dad emails me daily about shit I can do on my trip to Paris to make sure I don't get pick pocketed by Gypsies or end up in jail because my mouth sucks. My sister even went and got her nose pierced with me just so I didn't have to have my little mid-life crisis on my own. Family is fucking awesome and I really wish everyone had an amazingly dysfunctional, but perfect family like mine.

2. Party On! - You really can't party like you used to when you're 30. Oh wait, I learned that when I was about 24. You get a real job, you have shit that you're responsible for or if you're a breeder you have kids to take care of. Hangovers don't look good on anyone and when it takes a good 24 hours to sleep it off it's even worse. When I was 21 - 25 I would NEVER be caught dead at a dive bar near my house with my laptop typing away on my blog all alone, but guess what? I'm at a dive bar near my house with my laptop and I'm currently writing this blog because who gives a shit? I am pretty fucking cool even if it's 12:00 and I'm drinking alone because I'll be home by 4 and I can finish my laundry and be a productive member of society tomorrow.

3. Shopping - Don't get me wrong, I love shopping. I probably love shopping more than I love you, but shopping has become so much more fun! Home Depot. That's all I have to say. I haven't stepped foot in a mall in years. Ok, that's a lie. I went a couple weeks ago but only because I needed more black clothes for my trip. Back to Home Depot though. I now have a substantial assortment of power tools that could put most people to shame. Oh, you need a reciprocating saw? I've got that. Oh, a jig saw? No problem. Maybe you could use a tape measure, heat gun, crowbar, leaf blower, level, 4 hammers, an endless supply of screwdrivers, an assortment of nails, nuts, bolts?  Let me check my tool shed, but I'm pretty sure I got you. Yes, I am aware that some of those things aren't power tools, but you probably don't own them all. Basically, home improvement is fun and I love accomplishing things on my own. Buying fans and light fixtures are my JAM.

4. LOVE - I bet you think I'm going to be really bitter and angry about how so many guys have wronged me and that males are the problem, but I am going to shock you. Guys are pretty awesome! I really enjoy hanging out with guys, but my mentality about them has really changed in the last 2 years. Previously I was on the hunt to trap one and make him mine forever because when you're 28 and single you are basically insane since all your friends are getting married and having babies so you freak out. Luckily for everyone I got out of that stage alive and without having an illegitimate child. Now that I'm older I have learned that being independent is pretty fucking great too. Now don't get me wrong, all you married people and your families are legit Your life path gave you a partner in crime and some little kids to train, but if I lived everyday envious of your life then I couldn't appreciate all the things that I have and I would like to thank 29 for making me realize that. On that note, I still love attention so if you've got a guy friend that is single tell him to hit me up.

All in all, turning 30 is basically the same as being 29. Growing up is weird, but in a really good way.  I am happy that I made it to 30 without being a single mom, ending up in jail or having a ton of debt. I have an amazing family, some truly great friends that appreciate my foul mouth and bitchy face and my job gives me an endless amount of laughs. I won't sugar coat the fact that I don't miss being totally carefree and not having to go to the gym, but for the most part life is pretty damn great.

Hugs & Shit
Victoria

The Good Die Young

What the fuck... That's about all I can say about this week. On Tuesday, June 3rd my life turned into a complete nightmare. That was the day that I had to send two of my babies to doggie heaven. Unfortunately Evie's attitude finally got the best of her and Pippi decided to not put up with it anymore. It was the most traumatic experience I have ever been through and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy to experience the shit that I saw. I can't even type this without tears flowing down my face and keep in mind I am at the bar alone so I'm sure this is an amazing sight. I will spare everyone the details and you're welcome. Just know that Evie went very quickly and I have never truly understood the sheer power of a pit bull until that day.

After taking Evie's body to the vet for cremation I had to make the toughest decision of my life. Do I keep Pippi and run the risk of her getting out and doing this to another dog or worse, a child? I knew that emotionally the only thing that could make my heart feel better about losing Evie was to have Pippi's dumb face to look at. I know that's super fucked up because she's the one that took Evie's life, but unless you know me personally you don't really know my relationship with Pippi. She was MY dog and I was HER human. Anyway, back to the decision making. I knew that I could not keep her for my own emotional support. It was a matter of begin a responsible dog owner at that point and ensuring that Ripley, my other dog, was going to be safe. I don't want to hear any bullshit about how she could have been rehabilitated or I didn't do what I could. Fuck you if that thought even crossed your mind. She came to me because she was un-adoptable. She came to me with extreme resource guarding. She came to me with leash aggression. She wouldn't have made it past the 72 hour hold at the pound in the condition that I got her. We worked through that as best as we could, but I can't train the "dog" out of her. At the end of the day she is an animal. An animal that is strong and wouldn't harm a hair on my head but I am a responsible pet parent and until you witness your dogs in a battle to the death then I don't think your opinion is valid unless it's the same as mine. I had to send my sweet Pippi to heaven and it truly was the worst decision I ever had to make, but I do find peace knowing that she went quickly and was surrounded by the ones that loved her.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at pictures. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could go back in time and stop the whole thing from happening, but I do know that I am so proud that I got to be their mom. I am so thankful for the love and compassion that they taught me even if it was only for a short amount of time. These dogs were my life. I want to say thank you to every single person that text me, called me, commented, sent positive thoughts, even thought about what I was going through. Without your love and help getting me through this I would have probably ran out into traffic so I say thank you.

 

Evie & Pippi, 

I carry your hearts in mine. 

Love, 

Mom

Hug your kids, hug your fur kids, fuck hug a stranger. Life is short and shitty things happen so tell everyone you love them. 

Hugs & LOVE & shit, 

Victoria

Babies... Gross

Leave it to the childless 30 year old to have a blog post called Babies... Gross.

Let me start off by saying NO, I am not jealous of your baby. I know how babies are made and if I really wanted one I would have had one by now. If this offends you then I really am sorry, but just know I don't mean it when I say I'm sorry. This is my opinion which is probably different than yours so when you're done reading this you can go post on your blog about what a bitch I am. 

I like babies. I like kids. More than likely I like you too, but here are some things that I feel need to be discussed with everyone: 

1. I am Super Mom, Hear me Roar! - No, you're a mom and your job is really really hard. Probably the hardest job in the entire world. Hats off to you for growing a person inside you for 9 months. Hell, the thought of staying sober for 9 months is terrifying enough that I have baby proofed my body for over a decade, but come on. I understand you get no sleep, your baby's daddy doesn't help, kids are expensive, you have to care for them non-stop, blah, blah, blah.  That's what you signed up for when you got drunk that one night. Unless you planned your pregnancy, then you really don't have any room to complain. You did this to yourself.

2. I LOVE MY BABY!!! - Good, I'm glad you aren't a terrible human. You should love your baby. You made this ugly little alien thing with another person and if you hated it then you would be a complete asshole. With that being said, I don't need to hear about it multiple times a day on every single social media site. It makes me think you are trying to convince yourself that you are a good mom. The love you have for your baby should be the strongest love you've ever had, but you know what I love my dogs so fuck off.

3. Pregnancy Test Photos - Seriously? Why is this even a thing? I should have the option to report photos of pregnancy test pee sticks as offensive on Facebook. There is a site called Pinterest and guess what? They have some really great ideas on how to tell everyone you're about to get fat. Most of them don't include photographing something you peed on. I'm going to advocate for people to post photos of their drug tests and possibly even when they have to give urine samples at the doctor. My next issue comes with sonogram photos because they are creepy, but less annoying than pregnancy test pee sticks. No one wants to see your baby when its face is smashed against your uterus let alone that awesome 10 week ultrasound when the lady has to point out that the small blob is a baby. Those are for your family not your 843 friends on Facebook.

In closing, I hope this didn't offend you too much and if it did then go love your baby and tell the world. If you have done the things listed above then it's ok, we're still friends. These are just the opinions of a bitter, childless woman that can go on vacation whenever she wants, doesn't have to find a babysitter in order to go out, and last but not least, can go pee without anyone watching.  

hugs & shit
Victoria

PS Fuck the kid that was screaming and punching his dad in line at Target today. He's an asshole and it's his parents fault. 

Hell No...

Who wants to read another blog written by some 30 year old single broad that is probably going to bitch about a lot of stuff? Apparently you do, so welcome! Consider this a warning though, I really have no idea what I'm doing and if you don't tell me nice things about my blog I will probably tell you to fuck off. People keep telling me I should write a book because I am funny or some shit so I figured this would require way less work. God bless you for accompanying me on this suicide mission. 

Where do we start? I read a blog about how to start a blog and they said I needed to come up with a niche to find readers. I don't know if "shit show" is considered a niche or genre but that's what I envision this blog to be. A shit show of the offensive things that I want to post on Facebook but don't because that's part of being a grown up or something. I will probably talk about how I think babies are ugly and how I don't give a shit that you and your husband are cooking dinner, then eating dinner, and now you're posting pictures of how happy you guys are together. I will also talk about my dogs and how horrible they are, but by horrible I really mean they are way better than your children. I'm sure there will be no rhyme or reason to this blog, but I do promise that it will be my true feelings on a lot of things you might not care about and it will include bad words. 

hugs & shit 

Victoria