30 is the New 20!

Well, I am turning fucking 30 in less than a month and if one more person tells me that 30 isn't old I'm going to slam their face into the wall. People that say "30 is the new 20" are truly assholes. I know 30 isn't old, but let me wallow a little bit. I never imaged that at 30 I would be single, own two houses, have a smarty pants dog that listens to me, have a paid off FJ Cruiser, get to travel the world, go out whenever I want, have money in the bank that I can spend on myself... sigh.

In order to avoid the onslaught of "Dirty 30" party ideas I am traveling to Paris to spend my 30th birthday at the Eiffel Tower celebrating Bastille Day with a bunch of Parisian assholes. Nothing like spending it with your people No, I'm not French but I am an asshole so it should work out well for everyone. I can't wait to take a million pictures of shit you can google and force it down your throat on social media. I bet you're excited too. Honestly though, turning 30 is kind of terrifying and I've been reading a lot of "Things you realize when you're 30 that you didn't know when you were 21" bullshit articles because they always make me mad and I never agree with 1/3 of the things they list so obviously I'm creating my own list.

1. Family - I always knew family was important. I mean my mom and dad have been married for 30 years and are pretty fucking rad. My parents will literally do ANYTHING to ensure that my sister and I are taken care of. I'm sure that's because both of us are still single and can't force our spouses to do shit for us. When my dog situation happened my mom offered to come sleep at my house with me just so I didn't have to cry in bed alone. That's what mom's should do, even if their kid is 30. My dad emails me daily about shit I can do on my trip to Paris to make sure I don't get pick pocketed by Gypsies or end up in jail because my mouth sucks. My sister even went and got her nose pierced with me just so I didn't have to have my little mid-life crisis on my own. Family is fucking awesome and I really wish everyone had an amazingly dysfunctional, but perfect family like mine.

2. Party On! - You really can't party like you used to when you're 30. Oh wait, I learned that when I was about 24. You get a real job, you have shit that you're responsible for or if you're a breeder you have kids to take care of. Hangovers don't look good on anyone and when it takes a good 24 hours to sleep it off it's even worse. When I was 21 - 25 I would NEVER be caught dead at a dive bar near my house with my laptop typing away on my blog all alone, but guess what? I'm at a dive bar near my house with my laptop and I'm currently writing this blog because who gives a shit? I am pretty fucking cool even if it's 12:00 and I'm drinking alone because I'll be home by 4 and I can finish my laundry and be a productive member of society tomorrow.

3. Shopping - Don't get me wrong, I love shopping. I probably love shopping more than I love you, but shopping has become so much more fun! Home Depot. That's all I have to say. I haven't stepped foot in a mall in years. Ok, that's a lie. I went a couple weeks ago but only because I needed more black clothes for my trip. Back to Home Depot though. I now have a substantial assortment of power tools that could put most people to shame. Oh, you need a reciprocating saw? I've got that. Oh, a jig saw? No problem. Maybe you could use a tape measure, heat gun, crowbar, leaf blower, level, 4 hammers, an endless supply of screwdrivers, an assortment of nails, nuts, bolts?  Let me check my tool shed, but I'm pretty sure I got you. Yes, I am aware that some of those things aren't power tools, but you probably don't own them all. Basically, home improvement is fun and I love accomplishing things on my own. Buying fans and light fixtures are my JAM.

4. LOVE - I bet you think I'm going to be really bitter and angry about how so many guys have wronged me and that males are the problem, but I am going to shock you. Guys are pretty awesome! I really enjoy hanging out with guys, but my mentality about them has really changed in the last 2 years. Previously I was on the hunt to trap one and make him mine forever because when you're 28 and single you are basically insane since all your friends are getting married and having babies so you freak out. Luckily for everyone I got out of that stage alive and without having an illegitimate child. Now that I'm older I have learned that being independent is pretty fucking great too. Now don't get me wrong, all you married people and your families are legit Your life path gave you a partner in crime and some little kids to train, but if I lived everyday envious of your life then I couldn't appreciate all the things that I have and I would like to thank 29 for making me realize that. On that note, I still love attention so if you've got a guy friend that is single tell him to hit me up.

All in all, turning 30 is basically the same as being 29. Growing up is weird, but in a really good way.  I am happy that I made it to 30 without being a single mom, ending up in jail or having a ton of debt. I have an amazing family, some truly great friends that appreciate my foul mouth and bitchy face and my job gives me an endless amount of laughs. I won't sugar coat the fact that I don't miss being totally carefree and not having to go to the gym, but for the most part life is pretty damn great.

Hugs & Shit
Victoria

The Good Die Young

What the fuck... That's about all I can say about this week. On Tuesday, June 3rd my life turned into a complete nightmare. That was the day that I had to send two of my babies to doggie heaven. Unfortunately Evie's attitude finally got the best of her and Pippi decided to not put up with it anymore. It was the most traumatic experience I have ever been through and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy to experience the shit that I saw. I can't even type this without tears flowing down my face and keep in mind I am at the bar alone so I'm sure this is an amazing sight. I will spare everyone the details and you're welcome. Just know that Evie went very quickly and I have never truly understood the sheer power of a pit bull until that day.

After taking Evie's body to the vet for cremation I had to make the toughest decision of my life. Do I keep Pippi and run the risk of her getting out and doing this to another dog or worse, a child? I knew that emotionally the only thing that could make my heart feel better about losing Evie was to have Pippi's dumb face to look at. I know that's super fucked up because she's the one that took Evie's life, but unless you know me personally you don't really know my relationship with Pippi. She was MY dog and I was HER human. Anyway, back to the decision making. I knew that I could not keep her for my own emotional support. It was a matter of begin a responsible dog owner at that point and ensuring that Ripley, my other dog, was going to be safe. I don't want to hear any bullshit about how she could have been rehabilitated or I didn't do what I could. Fuck you if that thought even crossed your mind. She came to me because she was un-adoptable. She came to me with extreme resource guarding. She came to me with leash aggression. She wouldn't have made it past the 72 hour hold at the pound in the condition that I got her. We worked through that as best as we could, but I can't train the "dog" out of her. At the end of the day she is an animal. An animal that is strong and wouldn't harm a hair on my head but I am a responsible pet parent and until you witness your dogs in a battle to the death then I don't think your opinion is valid unless it's the same as mine. I had to send my sweet Pippi to heaven and it truly was the worst decision I ever had to make, but I do find peace knowing that she went quickly and was surrounded by the ones that loved her.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't cry. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't look at pictures. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could go back in time and stop the whole thing from happening, but I do know that I am so proud that I got to be their mom. I am so thankful for the love and compassion that they taught me even if it was only for a short amount of time. These dogs were my life. I want to say thank you to every single person that text me, called me, commented, sent positive thoughts, even thought about what I was going through. Without your love and help getting me through this I would have probably ran out into traffic so I say thank you.

 

Evie & Pippi, 

I carry your hearts in mine. 

Love, 

Mom

Hug your kids, hug your fur kids, fuck hug a stranger. Life is short and shitty things happen so tell everyone you love them. 

Hugs & LOVE & shit, 

Victoria

Babies... Gross

Leave it to the childless 30 year old to have a blog post called Babies... Gross.

Let me start off by saying NO, I am not jealous of your baby. I know how babies are made and if I really wanted one I would have had one by now. If this offends you then I really am sorry, but just know I don't mean it when I say I'm sorry. This is my opinion which is probably different than yours so when you're done reading this you can go post on your blog about what a bitch I am. 

I like babies. I like kids. More than likely I like you too, but here are some things that I feel need to be discussed with everyone: 

1. I am Super Mom, Hear me Roar! - No, you're a mom and your job is really really hard. Probably the hardest job in the entire world. Hats off to you for growing a person inside you for 9 months. Hell, the thought of staying sober for 9 months is terrifying enough that I have baby proofed my body for over a decade, but come on. I understand you get no sleep, your baby's daddy doesn't help, kids are expensive, you have to care for them non-stop, blah, blah, blah.  That's what you signed up for when you got drunk that one night. Unless you planned your pregnancy, then you really don't have any room to complain. You did this to yourself.

2. I LOVE MY BABY!!! - Good, I'm glad you aren't a terrible human. You should love your baby. You made this ugly little alien thing with another person and if you hated it then you would be a complete asshole. With that being said, I don't need to hear about it multiple times a day on every single social media site. It makes me think you are trying to convince yourself that you are a good mom. The love you have for your baby should be the strongest love you've ever had, but you know what I love my dogs so fuck off.

3. Pregnancy Test Photos - Seriously? Why is this even a thing? I should have the option to report photos of pregnancy test pee sticks as offensive on Facebook. There is a site called Pinterest and guess what? They have some really great ideas on how to tell everyone you're about to get fat. Most of them don't include photographing something you peed on. I'm going to advocate for people to post photos of their drug tests and possibly even when they have to give urine samples at the doctor. My next issue comes with sonogram photos because they are creepy, but less annoying than pregnancy test pee sticks. No one wants to see your baby when its face is smashed against your uterus let alone that awesome 10 week ultrasound when the lady has to point out that the small blob is a baby. Those are for your family not your 843 friends on Facebook.

In closing, I hope this didn't offend you too much and if it did then go love your baby and tell the world. If you have done the things listed above then it's ok, we're still friends. These are just the opinions of a bitter, childless woman that can go on vacation whenever she wants, doesn't have to find a babysitter in order to go out, and last but not least, can go pee without anyone watching.  

hugs & shit
Victoria

PS Fuck the kid that was screaming and punching his dad in line at Target today. He's an asshole and it's his parents fault. 

Hell No...

Who wants to read another blog written by some 30 year old single broad that is probably going to bitch about a lot of stuff? Apparently you do, so welcome! Consider this a warning though, I really have no idea what I'm doing and if you don't tell me nice things about my blog I will probably tell you to fuck off. People keep telling me I should write a book because I am funny or some shit so I figured this would require way less work. God bless you for accompanying me on this suicide mission. 

Where do we start? I read a blog about how to start a blog and they said I needed to come up with a niche to find readers. I don't know if "shit show" is considered a niche or genre but that's what I envision this blog to be. A shit show of the offensive things that I want to post on Facebook but don't because that's part of being a grown up or something. I will probably talk about how I think babies are ugly and how I don't give a shit that you and your husband are cooking dinner, then eating dinner, and now you're posting pictures of how happy you guys are together. I will also talk about my dogs and how horrible they are, but by horrible I really mean they are way better than your children. I'm sure there will be no rhyme or reason to this blog, but I do promise that it will be my true feelings on a lot of things you might not care about and it will include bad words. 

hugs & shit 

Victoria