30 is the New 20!

Well, I am turning fucking 30 in less than a month and if one more person tells me that 30 isn't old I'm going to slam their face into the wall. People that say "30 is the new 20" are truly assholes. I know 30 isn't old, but let me wallow a little bit. I never imaged that at 30 I would be single, own two houses, have a smarty pants dog that listens to me, have a paid off FJ Cruiser, get to travel the world, go out whenever I want, have money in the bank that I can spend on myself... sigh.

In order to avoid the onslaught of "Dirty 30" party ideas I am traveling to Paris to spend my 30th birthday at the Eiffel Tower celebrating Bastille Day with a bunch of Parisian assholes. Nothing like spending it with your people No, I'm not French but I am an asshole so it should work out well for everyone. I can't wait to take a million pictures of shit you can google and force it down your throat on social media. I bet you're excited too. Honestly though, turning 30 is kind of terrifying and I've been reading a lot of "Things you realize when you're 30 that you didn't know when you were 21" bullshit articles because they always make me mad and I never agree with 1/3 of the things they list so obviously I'm creating my own list.

1. Family - I always knew family was important. I mean my mom and dad have been married for 30 years and are pretty fucking rad. My parents will literally do ANYTHING to ensure that my sister and I are taken care of. I'm sure that's because both of us are still single and can't force our spouses to do shit for us. When my dog situation happened my mom offered to come sleep at my house with me just so I didn't have to cry in bed alone. That's what mom's should do, even if their kid is 30. My dad emails me daily about shit I can do on my trip to Paris to make sure I don't get pick pocketed by Gypsies or end up in jail because my mouth sucks. My sister even went and got her nose pierced with me just so I didn't have to have my little mid-life crisis on my own. Family is fucking awesome and I really wish everyone had an amazingly dysfunctional, but perfect family like mine.

2. Party On! - You really can't party like you used to when you're 30. Oh wait, I learned that when I was about 24. You get a real job, you have shit that you're responsible for or if you're a breeder you have kids to take care of. Hangovers don't look good on anyone and when it takes a good 24 hours to sleep it off it's even worse. When I was 21 - 25 I would NEVER be caught dead at a dive bar near my house with my laptop typing away on my blog all alone, but guess what? I'm at a dive bar near my house with my laptop and I'm currently writing this blog because who gives a shit? I am pretty fucking cool even if it's 12:00 and I'm drinking alone because I'll be home by 4 and I can finish my laundry and be a productive member of society tomorrow.

3. Shopping - Don't get me wrong, I love shopping. I probably love shopping more than I love you, but shopping has become so much more fun! Home Depot. That's all I have to say. I haven't stepped foot in a mall in years. Ok, that's a lie. I went a couple weeks ago but only because I needed more black clothes for my trip. Back to Home Depot though. I now have a substantial assortment of power tools that could put most people to shame. Oh, you need a reciprocating saw? I've got that. Oh, a jig saw? No problem. Maybe you could use a tape measure, heat gun, crowbar, leaf blower, level, 4 hammers, an endless supply of screwdrivers, an assortment of nails, nuts, bolts?  Let me check my tool shed, but I'm pretty sure I got you. Yes, I am aware that some of those things aren't power tools, but you probably don't own them all. Basically, home improvement is fun and I love accomplishing things on my own. Buying fans and light fixtures are my JAM.

4. LOVE - I bet you think I'm going to be really bitter and angry about how so many guys have wronged me and that males are the problem, but I am going to shock you. Guys are pretty awesome! I really enjoy hanging out with guys, but my mentality about them has really changed in the last 2 years. Previously I was on the hunt to trap one and make him mine forever because when you're 28 and single you are basically insane since all your friends are getting married and having babies so you freak out. Luckily for everyone I got out of that stage alive and without having an illegitimate child. Now that I'm older I have learned that being independent is pretty fucking great too. Now don't get me wrong, all you married people and your families are legit Your life path gave you a partner in crime and some little kids to train, but if I lived everyday envious of your life then I couldn't appreciate all the things that I have and I would like to thank 29 for making me realize that. On that note, I still love attention so if you've got a guy friend that is single tell him to hit me up.

All in all, turning 30 is basically the same as being 29. Growing up is weird, but in a really good way.  I am happy that I made it to 30 without being a single mom, ending up in jail or having a ton of debt. I have an amazing family, some truly great friends that appreciate my foul mouth and bitchy face and my job gives me an endless amount of laughs. I won't sugar coat the fact that I don't miss being totally carefree and not having to go to the gym, but for the most part life is pretty damn great.

Hugs & Shit
Victoria