Babies... Gross

Leave it to the childless 30 year old to have a blog post called Babies... Gross.

Let me start off by saying NO, I am not jealous of your baby. I know how babies are made and if I really wanted one I would have had one by now. If this offends you then I really am sorry, but just know I don't mean it when I say I'm sorry. This is my opinion which is probably different than yours so when you're done reading this you can go post on your blog about what a bitch I am. 

I like babies. I like kids. More than likely I like you too, but here are some things that I feel need to be discussed with everyone: 

1. I am Super Mom, Hear me Roar! - No, you're a mom and your job is really really hard. Probably the hardest job in the entire world. Hats off to you for growing a person inside you for 9 months. Hell, the thought of staying sober for 9 months is terrifying enough that I have baby proofed my body for over a decade, but come on. I understand you get no sleep, your baby's daddy doesn't help, kids are expensive, you have to care for them non-stop, blah, blah, blah.  That's what you signed up for when you got drunk that one night. Unless you planned your pregnancy, then you really don't have any room to complain. You did this to yourself.

2. I LOVE MY BABY!!! - Good, I'm glad you aren't a terrible human. You should love your baby. You made this ugly little alien thing with another person and if you hated it then you would be a complete asshole. With that being said, I don't need to hear about it multiple times a day on every single social media site. It makes me think you are trying to convince yourself that you are a good mom. The love you have for your baby should be the strongest love you've ever had, but you know what I love my dogs so fuck off.

3. Pregnancy Test Photos - Seriously? Why is this even a thing? I should have the option to report photos of pregnancy test pee sticks as offensive on Facebook. There is a site called Pinterest and guess what? They have some really great ideas on how to tell everyone you're about to get fat. Most of them don't include photographing something you peed on. I'm going to advocate for people to post photos of their drug tests and possibly even when they have to give urine samples at the doctor. My next issue comes with sonogram photos because they are creepy, but less annoying than pregnancy test pee sticks. No one wants to see your baby when its face is smashed against your uterus let alone that awesome 10 week ultrasound when the lady has to point out that the small blob is a baby. Those are for your family not your 843 friends on Facebook.

In closing, I hope this didn't offend you too much and if it did then go love your baby and tell the world. If you have done the things listed above then it's ok, we're still friends. These are just the opinions of a bitter, childless woman that can go on vacation whenever she wants, doesn't have to find a babysitter in order to go out, and last but not least, can go pee without anyone watching.  

hugs & shit
Victoria

PS Fuck the kid that was screaming and punching his dad in line at Target today. He's an asshole and it's his parents fault.